Two kids in a tub. We can’t fit anymore then that in our tub otherwise it would be three kids with my oldest in there LOL Bath time is a multiple occurrence in this house. My youngest is like a dirt magnet. I take that back he is an anything that can make you dirty, whether it be food, dirt, milk dribbled on himself, diaper mess, anything, he is a magnet for it. So he gets at least two baths a day, sometimes three. And whenever he gets a bath my daughter comes running in begging to take one also. What can I say, my kids like the water.
While giving them a bath last night they found a new way to play in the tub.

Laying in the tub

Funny thing is I’ve tried getting my daughter to do it many times before but she never wanted to BUT as soon as little brother does it, it’s A-Okay with her. They got such a kick out of it and of Shawn was such a ham, eating up my laughs so he had to make me laugh even harder by trying to drink the water while laying down.

Before I start this post I would like to say if you’re here to judge me, just close the page and move right along. I am human and like everyone else I have my ups and downs. I am posting this to get it off my chest and if my family, friends, followers read it, then they can know why I haven’t been myself lately. Advice support, yeah I would never turn that down, but please don’t leave anything negative on my page. Thank you.

I have been asking myself almost every day for the passed couple of weeks what is wrong with me! It’s like I’m Shana in the looking glass. I aware of how I am acting and it pains me to see it but it’s almost like it’s not me, I’m just watching this stuff happen. I mean that can’t possibly be me, I’m not that big of a bitch (normally). My husband and I recently quit smoking so I know that can add some extra emotions in there but not like this. Oh and yes I was a closet smoker for over a year.

My life is one big stress bubble. I wear most of my emotions on my sleeve and if I’m pissed you know it, unless you are my family. For some reason I still cannot show some of my true feelings around my family. I am the one who tries to please everyone and ends up getting hurt because of it. I am the one who gets asked for favors but when I do the asking I don’t always get helped. It is who I am and I know and accept that. I have a big heart, absolutely nothing wrong with that. But back to my original thought process here.

I think I am depressed. That’s right, I said the big ugly D word. Depressed. WHAT on earth does a stay at home mother to three children have to be down about. Well I have no freaking clue! I love my family. If there is such a thing as loving them beyond absolute love, that is how I feel about them. But every day I sit here and cry and scream inside my head because I can’t stand to be touched by them or anyone else. It’s not all the time thank god. Don’t get me wrong I love my kisses and hugs and cuddles with my babies.

As I sit here typing this out I am crying. I know this is not how it’s supposed to be. My kids are very attached to me. They are all “mamas babies”. Always have been and I hope they always will be but please oh please is it too much to ask that they don’t hang on me, or crowd me when I try to sit down, or fight with each other to touch me or sit next to me. I feel like a complete bitch telling my kids not to touch me or to move to the other side of the couch (Again PLEASE do not judge me, these are my feelings and as wrong as they are, and I know they are I can’t help but feel them). I also have been yelling a lot. I never used to yell. I have always been the calm one.

I also feel this way with my husband. We have been fighting like cats and dogs (I despise that expression but in this case it is true). Anything and everything he does bugs the schnot out of me. Same goes for stuff he says. We have talked and he has admitted he is judgmental and he needs to stop being that way with me which I’m glad we’ve gotten that out there but I take offense to almost everything he says. I know he has his troubles, he works full time and once fall semester starts he will be back in school full time. He is the sole provider for our family which I know is stressful on him. And right now were trying to decide out our future living situations.
There are soooooo many things I am unsure in my life right now and it’s driving me insane. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I used to see someone but I wasn’t feeling the way I do right now. It was just to talk and get things out. I stopped because well it was a waste of time. No I don’t think me stopping had anything to do with how I feel now. I don’t even know if I am depressed or if I’m just tired and stressed all the time. Again, something I am unsure of.

I am going to end this before it turns into a short novel. I just had to get all of this off my chest. Still not even sure if this was the right place to do it. Maybe I should have typed it but never posted it. Oh well. This is me and what I am going through right now and if you don’t like it feel free to un follow me or move right along. I know I’m not everyone’s cup o’ tea and that’s okay with me.

Since summer is upon us we have been trying to keep the kids busy. That way no one gets too bored or cabin fever and drives themselves along with the rest of us insane. Hey it happens to the best of us. This past week we have gone to the park four times and the mall four times. The park is fun because the kids get to run around and get their energy out. The mall is fun because it has a small play area, and hello, it’s air conditioned! We usually walk around the mall one, or two or maybe three times if were really bored. I picked up some tickets to the Aquarium of the Pacific so hopefully we will be able to go there next week sometime. We need to find some local things because the park and mall every day can get a tad old. Especially when I can’t even shop while were at the mall. How unfair is that!
Here are a few pics from one of our days at the park.

My boys going down the slide together

This picture was taken by Jr. I thought it came out pretty neat and slightly dizzying

My little dare devil Samantha. When I saw this shot I couldn’t believe how high my husband was pushing her, his excuse, well she’s the one who says higher lol

My Shawn man