Here I sit, 11:38 pm all the kids are asleep and I am wide awake and bored. What should I do….hmmm. I already did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I can’t vacuum cause I don’t want to wake anyone up. I have four boxes sitting here that need to be collapsed and taken out to the trash but I’ll leave that for Steve. I am going to go shower in a little bit so I can get the smell of spit up off me. Actually Shawn’s reflux has been much better lately. Don’t know why but I’m not complaining.
Oh little bit of an update on the drama in my life. I got a notice in the mail today that we have to go back to court on the 25th at 8:30 am so I’m assuming we will be there all day again like last time which sucks big monkey balls. This time I am making sure Steve will be there even though the freaking notice is in my name. Same as last time but I don’t want the judge to talk shit to me again. And now Steve has to take a day off of work for this shit. This is bs you know that! Ugh
Okay enough of that crap. The kids are doing great. Jr and Sam are always full of energy and are great little kiddos. Shawn is just adorable and such a good baby. He did have a little bit of a rough time napping cause Sam kept waking him up ;( but he’s asleep now, well actually has been for a while. He wont be getting up until around 3am, hopefully.
Okay enough random chatter, I’m off to shower.

Here’s a couple pics of my babies

Jr man during a bath

My little Shirley Temple

Here’s our little man fast asleep sucking on two of his fingers

Okay so I know he was born almost three months ago, but hey better late then never right 😉

Shawn Matthew Dieli’s Birth Story

I woke up on Friday, May 30, 2008 at 7:08 a.m. and immediately started feeling contractions. I sat down at the computer and started timing them. Surprisingly they were all at 3 minutes apart. There were a couple that were 5 minutes apart and then they were back to 3 minutes and 2 minutes apart. I was in denial for the first half hour that it could be real labor. I had woken up that morning with the intention of getting all my last minute stuff done before the baby. But he had other plans. My friend Gena finally convinced me that I should call my midwife and this was more then likely real labor! I contacted my midwife around 8:00 and she was like your not in labor are you? I laughed and said actually I believe I am. So she said okay I will drop my kids off and grab my stuff and be on my way. She was coming from Whittier which is an hour and a half away so she rushed to get here. As soon as I hung up with her I called Steve and told him I think that he needed to come home. So he also left right then. I then called my mom and told her I needed her here to help me so she went and got my sister from school and came over. I had taken a shower to help me through the contractions and brought the kids in with me. By the time my mom got here at 9:10 a.m. I was bent over the side of my bed breathing through the contractions and the kids were still playing in the shower. My sister helped me with the kids and Laura had called my mom asking her to go buy some last minute supplies for the birth. So she left and it was just me, the kids and my sister. My sister made them breakfast and kept them busy which I am very grateful for.

Soooooo I tried my hardest to grunt/breath instead of screaming. I think I did pretty well, at least they told me I was. Finally after about 3-4 pushes the head was out. Christy said hello to the baby and giggled and said she always loves this part because it’s their first look at the new world. Everyone was like someone take a pic and my sister Tia was the only one right there with a camera and she was very hesitant (she is 17) so I said told her “Just take the fucking picture Tia”. But I wasn’t yelling it or being mean. I actually sounded quite calm. Everyone got a good laugh out of that one. Two more pushes and we had a baby at 10:31 a.m.! He 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 21 1/4 inches long and just absolutely beautiful. Jr was the one to announce that it was a boy 🙂 I was so excited and I KNEW it was a boy! Steve was in shock. He was totally convinced we were going to have a girl…hehe

It was an absolutely amazing birth experience. I enjoyed doing it all natural and being in my home, my own element. It was very comfortable and no one was telling me what to do or how to do it. It was all up to me. Example, when Christy said okay I’m ready Steve asked does she push now and her reply was whenever Shana feels the need to. She is in control here, it’s her body and she will know what to do when the time is right. And I love her look on birth. In a hospital it’s the Dr who delivers your baby but that’s not how she see’s it. It’s the mother who delivered the baby, the Dr, midwife, whoever is there to assist but the mom did all the work.
So that was how our beautiful bouncing baby boy was born!

I can’t go into details but hehe, fun fun fun. And damn I am wide awake, don’t think I’ll be going to sleep any time soon.

Is there anybody in there??? Sorry Pink Flloyd reference. Here I sit, 1:19 am and wide awake. I decided to treat myself and have a little drink. One once in a while can’t hurt right??? I realized today, yes it took me 26 years years, that I am too hard on myself. I can’t help it. It’s who I am BUT I am going to try and change that. I need to work my ass out and get some better self esteem and not beat myself up over every little thing that doesn’t go right in my life. I feel as though it’s all my fault even though I know it’s not.
Random thought, I love my family more then anything. I would do or give up anything for them. They are my world. I am so blessed to have three healthy and beautiful children and an amazing husband that asks me to open up and vent to him. He listens to me and cares and he will just hold me when I want to be held. I am so glad I have him, he is my rock and I love him so much.
Okay I think that’s enough random ramblings for tonight. I’m sure I could go on but I don’t know if you want to know everything 😉

I just can’t seem to get out of this. It’s better then before. I can actually eat although I did have to force myself to eat breakfast. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m never down like this, especially for this long. I got a wonderful slap in the face yesterday. I had a guy comment that I have another kid on the way. Gee talk about a self esteem booster huh 🙁 I know I shouldn’t take shit like that to heart but I do. It hurts me. I’m already very unhappy with my body and then just makes it ten times worse.
ugh, I can’t even finish writing this

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Now playing: Lacuna Coil – 1.19
via FoxyTunes

Today was a complete and total waste of my time. I was at court bright and early at 7:45 am. At 11:30 they came out and said they wont be able to see us and to come back at 1:30 so in other words, Lunch break. Come back at 1:30 and I don’t get called back until 3:30! I’m so thankful that my mom was there and offered to take Sam and Jr home with her while Shawn and I stayed and waited. I finally get in and the judge is like who are you, where is Steve. I’m like I am his wife, it’s my name that appears on the motion that was scheduled for court. In a matter of two minutes he managed to make me feel like a tiny little mouse. He made me feel stupid and totally depressed that no matter what he was going to deny my motion. He said plain and simple we make “too much money” according to their guidelines. BTW we only make about 350 more then their guidelines and imo their guidelines are shit. It’s so hard to make due here in California and especially for a family of five with two in diapers.
I walked out of the courtroom and just burst into tears. I had such high hopes that I would walk in and they would dismiss it based on what a load of shit this whole thing is or they would say oh your case was already dismissed. So now we wait for a hearing date. Honestly I don’t get it. We have so many things on our side but I couldn’t even get a word in with the judge to discuss it. But then again I don’t think it was the time to bring it up. I’m just worried what is going to happen since I can’t afford to pay them the 200 fee that we now owe for filing a response, and possibly an extra 200 since we had to file separately. I would go into a rampage right now on how much I despise Ian but I will spare any readers.

Just a little update. I have to go to court tomorrow morning. This is for the fee waiver I filed because well I just can’t afford $200 to file a response for both Steve and I. Shit I can’t even afford the one fee. Anyways so that is why I will be at court tomorrow. Please if anyone reads this can you keep me in your thoughts for a positive outcome. I’m hoping and praying the case was dismissed because we no longer live in the residence and then I wont have to pay the fees and if that’s the case I want to see if they will do a motion to reverse the decision on Steve’s application because they denied it 🙁 So that is best case scenario.
I’m very nervous. I’ve never been to court before and this is very emotional for me because this is Ian who is doing this to me and my family. So yeah again if anyone reads this would you please keep me in your thoughts. I’ll update when I get home tomorrow.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It started yesterday. I feel depressed but without all the signs. I’m kind of bummed throughout the day and I have completely lost my appetite. I haven’t eaten but a couple chips and cantaloupe since Friday night. All I want is Steve to hold me. Nothing else. I want a break from screaming and crying kids and to just be held by Steve. When I’m in his arms I feel safe and like nothing can go wrong. He;s my rock always has been and always will be. Last night he said I was following him around like a little puppy dog and I was. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before and I know I’m not explaining it all right or all of how I feel. I can’t really put it into words. Not sure why.
Okay well I doubt any of this post made any sense so I’m going to go get ready for my day.

We are here. We were moving in the house until the wee hours of the morning. When Steve and I finally crawled into bed it was after 4 am and between Samantha and Jr waking up and then Shawn at 5:30 neither of us actually managed to fall asleep. So I am running off of zero. Steve just went and dropped the trailer off and it now taking a nap.

Okay I didn’t get to finish this entry. See what happens when you get no sleep. You forget everything. Now it’s August 2nd and we are settling in nicely to our new home. We aren’t having any sleeping issues with Jr. Can you say hallelujah! We’ve had sleeping issues with him since he was a year old. I’m so happy he will now go to bed with just us saying good night to him. No fighting or screaming, it’s awesome. Sam also is doing great going to bed here and well of course Shawn has no problems. We ended up storing a bunch f our stuff at my parents because, well I’m a pack rat and downsizing to this place there was just no room for it. Eventually we will go through all of it and trash what we don’t need. This is a short entry because we are actually on our way out the door to go to my parents house. We’ve been spending a lot of time over there again. The kids love it there. Here’s a couple more recent pictures of my babies.