Mixed emotions

I have always known I wanted a big family. I love everything about kids. Especially mine 😉 I love being pregnant and giving birth and watching them grow up. I love cuddles and hugs and kisses so much. It’s the best experience. Steve got the big V a couple months ago with pretty much no consideration for what I want. I know we can’t afford to have any more kids right now. We are struggling so much as it is. BUT I wanted our options open. I sometimes think I am okay with it because I love my family and I wouldn’t change anything but to accept I will never be pregnant again or have a baby to nurse and have that special bond with I just don’t think I am okay with that. It hurts me to know that will never happen again. I’m not trying to be selfish and sound like I don’t love my kids because they are my world but I just wish the option was open. I don’t know if I am making any sense and I am starting to ramble so I will stop. Just had to get my feelings out there instead of keeping them stuck inside.